Week 6 of What to Expect When You Are Expecting, Again

Week 6

How you are feeling:

Hello, nausea! Remember the giant horse pill they call a prenatal vitamin? Yeah, that sucker is going to try to kill you slowly, as it gets lodged in your gag reflex area and you struggle to remember the point of the dang thing, if it really is so important that it make it down or if you could maybe just go ahead and ralph it and whatever else might be lingering in your belly… Well, unfortunately your vitamin is important for your sweet-pea sized bebe, so you need to keep it in. Here is a very real and helpful excercise: try to focus on something beautiful, like Ryan Gosling’s face. You would never vomit in front of Ryan Gosling’s face. I would say your darling husband, but right now all you can think about that man is how he did this to you, again. Don’t worry, those feelings will subside, but not for a couple of months, so go ahead and find a “Hey Girl” meme and take that vitamin.

Frequent urination. Yes, people will excuse a giant waddling pregnant woman from peeing all the live long day, but when you have not made the ol pregnancy announcement and you are peeing every 10 minutes people look at you with concern and give you their doctor’s home number.  Scientific fact: if you go 14 minutes between potty breaks, the added pressure will make you vomit. Also, brushing your teeth, changing diapers, walking in the garage, wearing pants, eating food, driving past KFC and/or McDonald’s, the word “moist”, etc..everything will make you vomit. This is your life now. Because you are carrying a miracle.

You are still in the “we’re not telling people, but my belly is” stage, so you try to conceal your burgeoning midsection with tunics, scarves, blanket scarves, until eventually you just start wearing blankets. This might be a weird thing for a first time mom to start doing, but at this stage in your life most of the folks who work at your grocery store have already seen you in your pajamas, with unbrushed teeth and days old mascara streaking down your face because life. Besides, if you stick a bow as big as your daughter’s face in her hair, no one is going to give you a second look. At least in Texas this is considered a pass. Or, if you forgot the bow, just take your baby somewhere sans socks. I promise every elderly woman WILL FIND YOU and tell you your baby needs socks. Bless them. They have forgotten that science has dedicated money toward making seedless watermelons (how is this even possible??) not toward infant socks that stay on infant feet. The point is, these simple life hacks are guaranteed to take the attention away from the fact that you are wearing a blanket.

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