Are you angry? Outraged? Looking for a well read advocate who is just as pissed off as you about everything going on in the world and ready to give a treatise and a rallying point for you to clutch as if it were your very beloved toddler standing on a cliff that is crumbling around you? Blood pounding in your ears as you consider all the inciting grievances the news and social media has poured into your soul ready to unleash the onslaught on any unsuspecting cashier who has the AUDACITY to ask you “How are you today?” as if the world isn’t on LITERAL FIRE as someone else’s child asks you, “would you like paper or plastic?” DOES IT MATTER???

Then this is not the blog for you. But if everything you read in the previous paragraph seemed like complete nonsense..then welcome.

Its been a while since i published my irrational and overdramatic thoughts, but take heart faithful readers (mom) i have not matured or chilled out in the slightest. I’ve just been busy with more kids than the firefighter and i have hands, and they have been here. In our home. Where I live. All day. every day.

When I was their teacher, Mrs.Mom, I spent half the day day drinking (coffee) in the teacher’s lounge (my closet) coming up with math problems for them to figure out like: If Amber has five children who will ask 87 questions EACH per day how many beers should she purchase every 4 days? This is tricky because apparently children are no longer taught the words “carry the one” which means I can’t help them with the beer problem so I had to switch to hard liquor because the math is easier. Just kidding. I only use vodka for cleaning. And for killing germs outside and inside the body. Which reminds me, which mother would you judge more? The one who takes her five children IN the liquor store or the one who leaves them in the car? Please leave your answer in the comments.

But now school is over. There is no state mandated focus. And its over a hundred degrees everyday. I have taken up walking four miles every morning. And while that has been good for swimsuit season it is mostly so I have an hour of alone time, which in this season is a commodity. I was never worried we would run out of toilet paper, but I did worry I would run out of the fruits of the spirit.  While I go for my walks our children have taken up slowly destroying our home with booger walls, barbie clothes (apparently a cardinal rule of childhood is that Barbie must at all times be in a state of undress and sporting hair that looks like it was cut by a blind, one armed sloth) and one million tiny clear LEGOS. I think maybe our kids have seen Home Alone too many times and are hoping that if a bad guy (or girl) ever enters our home that he (or she) does so while barefoot.

Whoops. I’ve totally wandered off subject again. I do have a point and it’s this: I freaking love wearing masks. yes they are hard to breath through, and i doubt they do much, plus the ones I ordered took forever to get here because,and Im not making this up, they were manufactured and shipped from WUHAN CHINA. But I love them anyway because I’ve never been carded so much in my life which works out great because I also have never needed to drink so much in my life. Give me a mask and a baseball cap and suddenly I feel like an ingenue. You can’t see my wrinkles, sunspots, giant pores, or mustache and chin hairs.

What I would really like to see in the future would be a device worn around waist (for all of us moms I am referring to our muffin top/fupa {special shout out to my dear friend who introduced me to this word and how that convo still makes me giggle even today}) that is like a giant inflatable donut to help us all keep our 6 feet of social distance. With my face and belly hidden I might give up my teaching career and become a model.

Thats the end of todays sharing, but if you actually know us, dont worry. The kids are fine and there are still only five of them.