Week 7 of What to Expect When You Are Expecting, Again

Week 7

How you are feeling:

According to whattoexpect.com “While your baby is the size of a blueberry, your breasts probably look more like melons” this week. Oh absolutely.

Shut up, Whattoexpect.com! You don’t know me. Or my life. Or post-nursing-multiple-babies pregnancy boobies. Melons… Ha! More like melon balls flopping awkwardly around in tube socks.

Whoops. Sorry, reader, I made this about me. This is about you/us. So, if your jugs look like they belong in a Swimsuit Edition whilst pregnant, go away. My bad. What I mean to say is, “how nice for you.”

This week you (and your breasts) may be examined by your doctor’s nurse practitioner who will comment upon looking at your breasts, “Isn’t it just a miracle that you can feed a baby with those things?” Upon reflection, she will insist that she was merely making a blanket statement that has nothing to do with what is happening under your shirt in particular. It is important that you understand she is lying to you. It actually is a dang miracle. Praise.

To sum up, your bewbs hurt and are probably in various stages of inflation and also deflation.

Tit is what tit is.

Let’s see…oh yes, barfing. You are definitely doing that. A lot. You have now been barfing for one week. You are still in the loud wretching phase, but by next week you should have perfected the ability to hork quietly and with grace and poise. Until you get to that point you are gagging, spitting, splattering, and coughing, then rushing to flush and clean up before one of your kiddos sees what you have done, cuz you haven’t lived till you have cleaned up vomit from a puke-train of sympathetic vomiters (your children).

Do not despair, you do have options: you may, of course, call your doctor to get a prescription called in, buuuuut when you read the list of possible side effects, you may decide death by vomiting is preferable to “hysteria, excessive sweating, mental or mood changes, yellowing of the skin etc…” Because who doesn’t love being a sweaty, hysterical, yellow ball of cray cray?

Or, you could go the natural route. Make sure you keep your electrolytes balanced. EmergenC is a great supplement for those needs. Drink plenty of water. Try to eat a little something every couple of hours. Make sure your pants are roomy in the belly area. Peppermint, lemon and ginger are all natural remedies.

But mostly complaining loudly and often is universally recognized as the best home remedy. By being super contentious and unpleasant, all the people and their smells are sure to stay far from you. No one wants to poke a momma bear.

Ain’t nobody got time or sick leave for that.

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