Science

Evolution of child raising as evidenced by the progression of parental reactions to Baby throwing up during the night.

Firstborn: Baby throws up in basinet.  Parents know this because they have been obsessively watching Baby on the video monitor. They have not slept since Baby was born. They immediately call the pediatrician’s after-hours call center. When they do not receive a call back within four minutes they are in the car racing to the emergency room. One parent is driving, the other is in the back seat, attempting to soothe Baby while crying and praying. Baby is not soothed. After many tests the team of drs conclude Baby threw up in bed. Parents consider asking for a seventeenth opinion as they douse themselves in handsanitizer and burn everything they wore in the hospital. Because germs.

Secondborn: Baby throws up in basinet. Parents know this because they sleep lightly and heard the cough, gag, spew on the monitor. Both parents roll reluctantly out of bed. Dad gives Baby a bath while Mom leaves a message for the oncall nurse and cleans up the mess and soothes awakened firstborn. Nurse returns call and they make an appointment for Baby to be seen by pediatrician in the morning. Pediatrician says Baby threw up in bed. Mom, who spent the rest of her night staring at Baby and webmd, shares her google findings with pediatrician and offers a detailed medical history, including that one time, seven years ago, when she went on a trip to Mexico, drank the water, and is now breastfeeding Baby and wonders if it is possible that she has transmitted something that was dormant in her system. Pediatrician maintains Baby threw up in bed and considers writing a script for a chill pill for Mom.

Thirdborn: Baby throws up in basinet. Mom hears it and wakes Dad to help give Baby a bath, new pjs and new bedding. They throw everything in the washing machine and decide to see how the rest of the night goes before calling the pediatrician’s office. Mom holds Baby for an hour before putting Baby back in bed. In the morning they decide Baby just threw up in bed, and there is no need to call the pediatrician. Mom cancels plans for the next day so Baby can stay home and rest.

Fourthborn: Baby throws up in basinet. Mom doesn’t tell Dad, strips Baby’s bedding, decides to wait till morning to clean everything, wipes Baby down with wipes, puts Baby in new pjs and brings Baby into parent’s bed. Next day Mom complains to Dad that she is tired because Baby threw up in bed.

Fifthborn: Baby throws up in Mom and Dad’s bed. Mom gets up, grabs a towel, picks up Baby, puts towel on top of throw up, lays back down with Baby. An hour later, Baby has epic blowout. Mom pats herself on the back for already having a towel down, marvels at the miracle that she chose a white towel as it can be bleached (but not during the night. That would be crazy. She’ll bleach it and whatever else needs it by the time this night is over.) She changes Baby and puts down a new towel. Then she and the Baby go back to sleep, snuggled together until Baby wets through his diaper onto Mom who laments that NOW she is going to HAVE to take a shower…in the morning.

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