Here is a handy guide for moms of boys denoting little boys’ complex thought process regarding hygiene and cleanliness.

Situation 1: Is peeing all over the bathroom acceptable?

Yes. The world is my toilet. Be happy I peed indoors AND in the same room as the toilet.

Situation 2: Should I eat my boogers?

Of course. Not eating them is wasteful. Unless you are using them as wall adornments.

Situation 3: After making number two, playing with a snake, or swimming in a ditch of runoff from a toxic waste plant should I wash my hands before sharing a bowl of popcorn with other humans?

…is this a trick question? I just don’t see the correlation…

Situation 4: If I find a french fry on the floor of the car and cannot remember the last time we had french fries, should I eat it?

Duh. That’s like finding $20 in your pocket.

Situation 5: How many days in a row should I wear the same filthy socks?

Either until I can no longer remember what color they were the day I started wearing them, or until my mom calls the exterminator because she is sure something died in my closet.

Situation 6: Should I wipe well after making number 2?

Who has that kind of time? Besides, isn’t that why we wear underwear?

Situation 7: If I grab two clean shirts out of my drawer and only wear one and drop the other one on the floor, should I fold it neatly and put it back in my drawer when my mom tells me to clean my room, or should it go in the dirty clothes hamper?

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? Of course it needs to go in the dirty clothes hamper!!! What are we?? Animals??? Besides, if mom has time to write about this on her blog, then clearly we aren’t putting enough clean clothes in the laundry basket!!