How you are feeling: Well, still crappy. Headaches, all the puking, incontinence, walking farts, tender nips etc…
And then people want to talk to you. And they also want to share the very funny things they have heard on sitcoms and read on the internets of awesome things that they should say to a pregnant woman who is FOR REALS trying to not dry heave in their presence due to the amount of smells humans apply to their bodies.
I hear you, momma and I am totally with you. In fact, this week I have decided to write a cheat sheet for us so we have a prepared snarky or gentle response to other human’s super funny comments.
“Do y’all not have a TV?”
Snarky: “Yes. The kids were watching it.”
Mild: “We do. We just don’t have cable.”
“You do know how that happens, right?”
Snarky: “Have you ever seen my husband?”
“Yes. We are currently pursuing litigation with Jose Cuervo.”
“Are y’all trying to be like that Duggar family?”
Snarky: “Absolutely. We base most of our important life decisions on imagined competition with the people on reality television. For instance, I am currently involved in a Kylie Jenner lip challenge. Vote for me at BigLips4Life@seriously.com.”
“Are y’all Mormon or Catholic?”
Snarky: “Oh I see. An assumption based on appearances. Let me try… hmm.. you are wearing too much cologne and your pants are far too tight and your combover has reached critical mass… I’m thinking you probably peaked in high school.”
“How many are in there??”
Snarky: “Don’t make me cut you.”
“This is my first pregnancy and I feel so awful and tired. I guess it gets easier the more you have, huh?”
Snarky: “Absolutely. It’s pretty much like riding a bike, with a child dangling from each ankle and wrist, whilst your hemorrhoids send shock waves through your body with each bump, as your poor circulation turns your legs purple with a road map of spider veins and your varicose veins bulge, but you are wearing shorts anyway because as GOD IS MY WITNESS IF I HAVE TO LIVE IT THEN YOU CAN DEAL WITH SEEING IT. Oh, and I pee a little when I laugh, cough, sneeze, sing, cook, and I really can’t ride a bike without needing to pee.”
Mild: “The blessing at the end erases all the struggle from your mind.”
The following questions, when asked by a stranger, only warrant snark. These are impertinent questions and should always be handled with subtle sarcasm that will leave them thinking…or tweeting hateful things about you. Whatevs. We all grow in our own way.
Stranger: “Are y’all done???”
You: “Done what? Enjoying a fulfilling marriage and the occasional surprises of life? Gosh, I hope not!”
Stranger: “So, is one of you going to get fixed?”
You: “Clearly nothing is broken.”
Stranger: “OMG! I would hate to have that many kids!!!”
You: “Well, praise Him from whom all blessings flow that you don’t. Now, go call your mother and thank her for putting up with your crappy attitude.”
Oh, the walking farts. A noisy, smelly percussion punctuating every step. I had forgotten.
I used to say crash things like this to women, before I had my own children. Man was I a heel?! Yes, yes I was…