Week 4

How you are feeling: tender nips, heightened sense of smell, and kinda tired. (Though, to be fair, you can’t really be sure if you are tired because you are pregnant or because you already have several other tiny humans to chase around.)Your baby is smaller than a seed and looks nothing like a baby. This week also sees the return of your muffin top, because with subsequent pregnancies you first carry the baby in your love handles. This is science, y’all. I’m not making this up.

This week you are taking your prenatal vitamins which are roughly the size of a horse tranquilizer. You don’t mind, though, because your gag reflex hasn’t become an issue yet. You also call your obstetrician’s office and chuckle to yourself as you realize you have never referred to your obstetrician as your gynecologist. You have a very strange conversation with the receptionist and finally realize she thinks that you are STILL pregnant from the last baby. That’s crazy talk.

“No no,” you assure her, “I already had that baby. I am pregnant again.” To which she very knowledgeably and with great understanding says, “Wait. AGAIN??? Thelma**, Amber Park is pregnant AGAIN!!” You hear Thelma** cackle and respond with equal HIPPA law awareness, “OH MY GAWWW! AMBER PARK IS PREGNANT AGAIN?? HOW MANY IS THAT NOW? DIDN’T SHE JUST HAVE A BABY? ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS HOW THAT HAPPENS!!”

After you explain that yes, you do own a television, you just don’t have cable, Thelma** and Regina** allow you to speak with the nurse, who snickers with a sense of professionalism, and schedules you to come in for blood work.

Not much more to report for this week except you will cry during commercials for The Biggest Loser. One strange observation from this week is how every member of your family are all going through some sort of  weird hormone shift, causing you to laugh, cry and become angry simultaneously. The important thing to understand is that this has nothing to do with you or anything chemical happening in your body. This is their issue and all you can do is wait for them to all balance out. Oh, and your husband might be drinking more, probably to cope with the stress of his hormone imbalance. Don’t worry. They’ll all get better.

**Names have been changed to protect the identities of people in charge of my billing.