So, here I am, pregnant again for the billionth time and like any neurotic, er, I mean, normal type lady human I find myself interested in all the weird things happening in and to my body, and I like to follow the progress of our lil punkin from cells to fully formed miracle. Here’s the thing, when I google 18 weeks pregnant my internet machine sends me to precious little baby sites telling me all about how much energy I now have and how I *might* be showing. Um, I am dragging my butt out of bed everyday with the promise that bedtime is only 14 hours away, and people have been asking me when my due date is since I started wearing maternity clothes again at roughly 72 hours gestation.

Everything I read was all unicorns and rainbows, how to keep your sex life hot (snort) and how glowing and adorable life is growing another human. How much you are enjoying your decaf coffee and how fun adapting your yoga routine to your burgeoning body is. Meanwhile, I’m trying to find out if my hemorrhoids are still an acceptable size and if there is such a thing as an antigravity belt to support my enormous belly, or if I should just flood our house and conduct life underwater.

I was complaining to my husband about the lack of info out there for women in my stage of life and he suggested that I chronicle the weeks of pregnancy for those of us who are on our multipleth child. So we can feel celebrated and not berated by the cutesy pregnancy sites and books that throw us a bone every once in a while; “If this is not your first pregnancy you *might* start showing a *little* sooner.” Ha! Because after a few babies you realize you don’t get to store breastmilk in Victoria’s Secret’s worthy boobs, you store it in your thighs, cankles, and nose. At this point, you have already had pretty much every common weird pregnancy symptom, now you need to know that the weird hairs you are growing and/or losing and the strange brown mask happening on your face is, in fact, pregnancy related and not that you are starting to look like your husband like how people start to look like their pets.

I want to share with y’all things I have learned through all my pregnancy experiences. Things the Dr. is too busy measuring and weighing to tell us.

Things like how your feet may get bigger, forever. I have always had ugly Hobbit feet, but my saving grace was that they were at least small ugly feet. With each pregnancy my feet have gotten a little bigger. They are now a full size and a half bigger. Giant Hobbit feet that my husband lovingly refers to as “capable” and “athletic”. Oh, and do not, under any circumstances, shave that dark line that starts happening. It will clear up after pregnancy. Or so I am told. Because I did shave it. And I will continue to shave it until the end of time. And if you don’t know what line I am talking about then you would probably better enjoy the prettiness of Giselle’s blog or Goop, but if you are a sasquach like me, welcome!

Weeks 1 &2:

You’re not really pregnant, but when you actually become pregnant you are real thankful that science has decided you ought to count these weeks because to the uninitiated 14 extra days of baby growing *might* explain why you are waddling only a few months in. These are the weeks when you buy new clothes for yourself because you finally feel cute and fit and someone bought you a subscription to a fashion magazine and you realize no one wears capri pants with platform flip flops anymore. You didn’t know this because you haven’t paid attention to non maternity fashion since 2004(?). But now you are paying attention and you actually have a favorite boutique (who knew?) that you really like and you just got real gutsy and bought yourself a pair of leopard print leggings because they will look fabulous with the sexy LBD you bought and you even know what LBD means.

These are also the weeks when your husband comes home smelling like a marathoner who subsides exclusively on onions and garlic, and you find him irresistible. Then he’ll say something like, “Babe, you look cute in those yoga pants.” and…

It is important that you take note of these paradigm shifts cuz your paradigm is about to get majorly shifted.

**********************************

Y’all, I am so giddily excited to write and share the beautiful and the disgusting parts of baby growing. I turn 18 weeks tomorrow so I definitely have catching up to do, but I hope to do each week justice as I recall what they have entailed. Please feel free to share your stories, too, so we can ensure this is a comprehensive guide. Thank you for reading! I sure hope you enjoy this journey with me.

Muchas smoochas,

Amber Park