I was challenged by my friend Christie to finish a sentence. She is the unflappable mother of SIX and one of my personal heroes. Her lighthearted sentence beget this post.
You know you have too many kids when*…
…on the rare occasion you find yourself hanging out exclusively with adults you take it as a personal affront when no one asks your permission to go to the bathroom. I mean, the very least they could do was make an announcement so we wouldn’t worry about them!
…between pregnancy and breastfeeding you realize you have been eating for two, sometimes three, since the Bush Administration.
…you are not sure what a Kardashian is or how it came to be.
…5 kids really doesn’t sound like that much.
…leashes for children no longer seems like such a bizarre idea.
…you have found yourself lusting after minivans, googling their features, trying to convince your partner that embracing this could really spice things up.
…you have a really intense dream about being at a Bon Jovi concert (google him! and yes, i really am that old) and you catch his eye and he invites you backstage and you (wait for it) talk about each other’s marriages and kids. (Actual dream)
…you not only tolerate the word “fart”, it is now a part of your vocabulary.
…you think it’s cute when that the grocery store sells individual rolls of toilet paper.
…when someone says they have a hard time falling asleep at night and you literally have no idea what they are talking about.
…Costco is your grocery store.
….you become afraid for your children’s safety when they don’t barge in on you while you are in the bathroom.
…you have argued with more than one of their imaginary friends.
…an entire generation knows you exclusively as someone’s mom.
…your obstetrician, who gets paid piles of money for every baby you have, throws her hands up and asks, “So are y’all done, yet??”
…you are alone in public and people have a hard time recognizing you because you are not dripping in children.
…you see an adult indulging in a habit you have tried to break in your child and you have to physically restrain yourself from redirecting their behavior.
…you looked four months pregnant three days before you got a positive pregnancy test.
…the number of children you have exceeds the number of arms you have by more than a factor of two.
…you consider asking the tooth fairy for a loan.
…you are pretty sure Jay Leno still hosts the Tonight Show and has mostly black hair.
*Please recognize this is a humorous blog. I wouldn’t trade my enormous family for all the vacations in the world. Unless the drinks are free.*
*Again, I’m kidding.