I just realized today is the one year anniversary of us living in our country home. The mosquitos invited us to a banquet held in our honor. I RSVP’d our regrets but they are insisting that without us they would have no reason to celebrate. It might seem a really sweet gesture, but they ALWAYS expect us to provide the food and drinks.
I realized it was our anniversary as I was replacing light bulbs. Today was the first time I replaced a bulb since we moved here. These were not the super energy efficient bulbs that finally needed replacing. They were regular old light bulbs that had slowly burned out over the months until every room was down to a single, 40 watt bulb in each multi-bulb light fixture. When we were no longer able to see the food we were eating in the dining room, the firefighter insisted we needed more light because the other day one of our children had mistakenly eaten a crayon that was next to his plate proclaiming it the best dinner I had ever made.
Bah. Here’s the thing, I look my absolute best in dim to no lighting. Stick me under an arsenal of 60 watt halogens and the conundrum of life at 32 with 4 kids is ghastly apparent. There is no greater lie told to youths dealing with acne than “when the wrinkles begin the pimples will end.” And with my solid 7-8 minutes of uninterrupted sleep a night the bags under my eyes now need to be checked before I can board an airplane. And forget about fluorescent lighting. I look like a walk-on for The Walking Dead.
Besides, it wasn’t as simple as merely changing the bulbs. First, I had to vacuum out all the giant moth carcasses from the fixtures. Because it’s not enough for moths to fly their bulbous, filthy bodies at your face. No, no. The final stage of a moth’s lifecycle is to become impossibly enormous, then die inside of a pretty, glass light fixture that hangs above your dining room table.
After carcass removal, I stuck a new light bulb in the fixture and flipped the switch. The bulb popped and the fixture started smoking. Wrong type of bulb and I hadn’t gotten all of the moths. I shut it off, replaced all the bulbs with the proper type, flipped the switch, and…nada.
The firefighter suggested I check the breaker box. But it’s in the garage. Along with a bunch of party ready mosquitos… We’ll be eating by candlelight until the first freeze.
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