Tabata- (tah-BOT-ah)

official definition:

noun. an enhanced form of interval training. It is an exercise strategy alternating periods of short intense anaerobic exercise with less-intense recovery periods. Usually 8 rounds of 20 seconds of high intensity followed by 10 seconds of rest, resulting in a total of 4 minutes.

actual definition:

noun. The longest, most painful 4 minutes of your life. This form of training is meant to make you understand human spontaneous combustion is a thing.

Used in a sentence: “Yes, I would choose a drug-free birth experience over tabata training.”

Except I need to do this because I have given birth. Oh, irony, thy humor is rarely funny.

I am trying to get in better shape so I have the energy to chase after my kids when a 50mph West Texas breeze carries one of them off the trampoline and down a cotton field. I need the strength to walk around Target while wearing Eva T, wrestling Amelia to stay seated in the basket, chasing Connor as he chases Zeke, whilst also loading a second basket with enough diapers, wipes, toilet paper and Kleenex to sustain us for a couple of weeks.

And the tabata method works best for my super busy world full of super busy tiny humans. It’s also apparently necessary because my least favorite brave child asked me  “when are you gonna have the other baby that’s in your tummy?” while the other kiddos looked on, clearly wondering the same thing.

I wonder when Halloween candy goes bad..?

Out of a morbid sense of curiosity I tried on last year’s frolic-with-husband-on-second-honeymoon-swimsuit. If you are ever looking for motivation to get in shape, you might consider trying on a bikini in natural lighting. This may make you want to put a bag over your head, put cake in your face hole, and reach for a bottle of wine. That’s kinda how I felt. Instead, I pulled on my big girl yoga pants and am using them as their name suggests, I’m stuffing spinach in my mouth with an apple cider vinegar chaser and unfriending every facebook pal who has the audacity to share pictures of food.

I realized today that I normally blog with something delicious, like chocolate or yogurt pretzels next to me. Today I have a big, stupid bag of spinach. I’ve decided to try out an aversion therapy where every time I want to eat something yummy evil, I stuff a handful of spinach in my mouth.

I am now eating a bag of spinach a day.

I think we have a box of Thin Mints in the freezer.

Here’s the thing, as a nursing mom I’m not going to be in bathing suit shape anytime soon. Although some of my loser blessed friends become even tinier while breastfeeding than they were before becoming pregnant.

Not me.

I keep a solid ten pounds of fluff. Apparently my milk is stored in the girth of my nose, the jiggle of my arms, and the softness of my belly. My hope is my focus and effort will result in the fluff becoming tone, strength, and endurance.

So far the results have been a little underwhelming. My ab workouts have made me too tired and sore to suck in, and the spinach thing means I constantly have to check my teeth. Still, I hold on to hope.

I do know we have icecream in the freezer.

Are full body spanx a thing?