“Hi. My name is Amber and I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”

Our closest neighbor just told me about a suspicious vehicle driving around his property. During the course of our conversation he casually mentioned that someone had attempted to break into his home last week. Because I am a super laid back, non-worrying-type human he and I continued to shoot the breeze and swap recipes and stuff.

Uh. No.

He continued to speak words while I nodded as my internal dialogue did this:Image

Of course, this kind of wreck yo’ sanity type crap always happens when the firefighter is away. When he is gone, every toilet will suddenly bubble over with that which we do not speak of. Kids will barf, spike fevers, and wet beds. The washing machine will suddenly become possessed and start spewing water and chasing people around the room. Something and it’s family will die in the attic and the smell will try to overpower us all. And hundreds of baby spiders will infest my yoga mat. Btw, this is why you should never ever exercise. It is against the laws of nature and nature will try to kill you.

So, I started thinking of our defenses. We have two dogs. One dog, Darby, might just kill a guy with affection. Seriously, he is my warning system for when strangers approach our property. Not because the goober barks or snarls, but because before he bounds off to greet his newfound best friend his giant tail thwaps and thuds against whatever he is near. Said giant tail has been known to topple smaller humans, so if would-be assailants are of a smaller than average size, Darby is our first line of defense.

Then we have Timber. I think she is an introvert like me. Her first instinct is to bite now, become friends later. She has maybe five friends, and they all live in this house. One night the firefighter and I came home from a date to find a couple of UPS packages shredded all over our lawn. We never did find out what happened to that UPS guy… So we no longer have packages delivered to our house and Timber is our strongest ally. So that’s the perimeter taken care of.

But in case they invade our borders, we have four kids. No, no! I’m not going to arm them to the hilt. I’m just going to let them exist, with no intervention. Within minutes of starting their day, our house is destroyed by FOUR giant buckets of legos of various sizes. We currently have 20 balloons in different stages of inflation littering our house. Micro machines and hot wheels, board games, balls, baby swing, high chair, play pen, stuffed animals and dolls, a toy kitchen and every tiny food and every piece of play kitchenware ever made. If you’ve ever seen Home Alone you know just how effective booby traps can be.

But, if some idiot chooses to disregard these warning signs, then I will remind them that we live in Texas and educate them on the Castle Law.

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