Help, I’ve been shot! (or something)

“What if it’s permanent?”

As soon as he said the words, the firefighter looked like he would give a kidney to take them back. Our eyes met. We both sputtered.  He tried desperately to set my mind at ease, saying things he didn’t really mean, “Babe, I don’t really think that.” and “I forgot who I was talking to.”  and “Seriously Amber, I DO NOT think it is permanent.”

Sweet man. I know he was just trying to be brave for me.

He had confirmed my darkest fears. The subluxation in my spine was actually just a symptom of the real problem. So when my husband left the room, I did what any rational person with internet access would do.

I WebMd’d it.

I am a very accomplished Web Md-er.  Due to my countless hours of study I have diagnosed myself with IBS, Hyperhidrosis (excessive underarm perspiration), and witzelsucht (rare diseases that causes the victim to make bad puns and jokes at inappropriate moments).  My Dr. stubbornly refuses to confirm some of my diagnosis.

After keying in my symptoms and ignoring all of the innocuous (therefore wrong) solutions I have come up with a few contenders.

  1. I have been struck by lightning. This would explain the hot radiating pain that is shooting through my arms like bourbon burns the throat. Now, I don’t recall a storm last night, but that could be due to the lightning strike. (see lightning induced memory loss)
  2. I have acromegaly which means my chest is too broad and barrel like that it is adding stress to my back and causing the pain.  Not “broad chest” like Dolly Parton. “Broad barrel chest” like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. Which is a bummer, but explains so much.
  3. I was actually a twin and she has gone through some trauma like a car wreck and I feel her pain due to our twin telepathy. My mom has never said that I was a twin. However, she has also never said I WASN’T!

Oops, the fireman is coming back. I’ll have to continue researching later.

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