The other woman

My husband is in love with a much younger woman.

It became undeniably clear this morning when he kissed her sleeping face three times as he said goodbye to me. No kiss for me.  I mean, sure, I had drool on the side of my face and my mascara had run it’s course.  Ok, fine, my hair was a bird’s nest on the side of my head, and “morning breath” doesn’t begin to describe that situation.

But still…

She gets a few teeny pimples and the firefighter wonders if they hurt and thinks they add a pretty blush color to her face.  The other day I sprouted a gianormous nose pimple that hurt like heck. I asked him if he could see it and he said, “Oh yeah, the Rudolph” (in his defense, I was literally asking for it). Zeke looked at my nose and said, “That is one huge mosquito bite!”

When they see her naked, dimpled tushy, Zeke is beside himself giggling at “how cute her silly bottom is” and my husband loses his train of thought because of how squishy she is.  What the what?  We went on a road trip in June and I had to climb in the back to adjust the DVD player.  Zeke, fearing I was going to stay there said, “Now I’ll never get to watch a movie because your bottom is even huger than my eyes can see.” When I  asked for help choosing a swimsuit to wear to the pool, my husband chose the one piece with the full skirt awfully fast (It is conservative enough to wear to church, not just a church pool party, I could wear it to the worship service).

She has zero teeth. Yet you should hear these guys fawn over one of those gummy grins.  I have all of my teeth, though a couple of my front teeth are overdue for another trip to the dentist for another repair.  I broke two of my front teeth on our honeymoon, which is often how I introduce myself in awkward situations.  (I’ll save that story for another day)

Also, she is losing her hair.  I have lots of thick hair that grows super fast. Seriously, look at my legs.  She squeals, they come running. I squeal, their eyes start rolling. She has a  quadruple chin.  I only have a double chin in certain types of lighting.  She drools constantly. I only drool in my sleep.  She is learning half a billion new things a day. I am unloading half a billion brain cells a day.

Hmmm…I better up my game.

 

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