Look, I don’t want to ruffle any feathers here, but our neighbors are a bunch of obnoxious drunks who throw wild, loud parties every stinkin’ night and the mess ends up all over our yard and driveway.  I am too chicken to call the authorities because I know the officers will probably just snicker and tell me there is really nothing they can do because we asked for this.  We practically invited them here.

So I spend my days cleaning up after these fools, ducking their obnoxiousness, and attempting to shield our children from their foul behavior. After knocking back a few, they all just chunk whatever is left in our yard. They also relieve themselves on our patio furniture.  Once, I couldn’t park in the garage and a flock of them spent the night defiling our car.  Seriously.

It’s not just the mess either. It’s also the sheer volume of their constant squawking.  And they do get more raucous as the night continues, doing things that make that Ragu commercial look tame (seriously, what was up with that?). In full view of anyone and everyone! I feel like they are daring me to take a gander and try to explain it to my children.  I’m just so tired of their constant Animal Planet behavior. It wouldn’t be so bad if there were just a few of them having a good time every once in a while.  But this poor conduct occurs every night and they call ALL of their friends and their drunk buddies are always happy to fly right over. Not a single one of them gives a hoot about what we think. We are just such a different species from them that our opinion doesn’t seem to matter.

And it’s not like we can reason with them, even if we spoke the same language they are not quiet long enough to listen.  Yes, yes I am sure they just left the nest, and are enjoying the freedom of being out from under their mother’s wing (though who knows? they could be parroting their parents’ behavior), but we don’t live in the nicest neighborhood and there are a lot of tough cats watching, waiting for them to fall. And really, awful as it is, I want them to fall.

I thought maybe if we hung an owl in our tree it would scare them away. Instead they started giggling as the firefighter climbed the ladder to hang it and they have flown at it like it’s a pinata ever since.  They are far too inebriated to be frightened of anything. Maybe if we had hung the owl before they started partying…

Oh yeah, this is about birds in our Juniper trees.  Turns out the berries from a Juniper tree can make birds drunk. Imbibing once can make them drunk for days, repeated use makes them ridiculous, bloated, uninhibited, mate-swapping, purple pooping machines.

So if anyone knows of any other methods to keep these birds away, please let me know.